I am a Mum, Daughter, Sister, an ex-Wife and now a Current Wife, a Wicked, Wicked Step-Mum (isn’t that right Jonathon?) and a very proud Nanny. When I married for the second time I was hoping for a title, something along the lines of Dame, Lady or even a Ma’am but fate dished it out a bit lower than that and I am now cheerfully known as Mrs. Kirkham the Third. My Husband John really does like Wedding cake!
I have a beautiful daughter Emma, who is also my best friend, two amazing step-children, Jonathon and Becky and have been blessed with my gorgeous granddaughters, Olivia and Annie. Haring around my home causing absolute havoc on a regular basis are my lunatic dogs Bailey & Brodie, better known as Prozac & ADHD.
I was born sometime in the not so swinging 50’s and by the time I had reached my first birthday, my Mum had already left me in my pram outside Woolworths on two separate occasions. I went to Sunday School minus my knickers, a fact that only became evident by the sheer shock of the cold mahogany seat when I sat on the pew, dressed my dog Kansas in a bonnet and took him for walks in my dolls pram and was once sick all over baby Jesus at the School Nativity Play.
I ballet danced, tap danced and sang dreadfully, adored art, learnt how to darn socks and fell in love with ALL four of The Beatles. I bought Puppy Love by Donny Osmond from Woolworths, and this time remembered to take myself home just in case Mum forgot again.
I saved up and bought Alice Cooper’s ‘Schools Out’ as an act of rebellion and being grown up, but my Mum confiscated it, stuck it behind the tea caddy on the kitchen window and by the time I found it, it had melted and warped in the sun. I cried at my loss and suddenly didn’t feel so rebellious or grown up anymore.
But grow up I did. I followed the path of marriage, motherhood and divorce and then the next chapter of my life began.
Sometime during October 1988, whilst wearing a pair of dayglow pink legwarmers, kicking leaves and pushing a tricycle, actually it wasn’t any ordinary tricycle, it had a bin on the back for found treasures for my daughter, I suddenly decided that I wanted to follow a lifelong ambition to join the Police. Just like that, an epiphany, a marvellously wonderful, exciting idea. As I trampled through another pile of leaves, carefully avoiding a rather large doggie deposit, but wheeling the bike through a smaller, squishier one, I began to meticulously plan my new career.
It truly never occurred to me that being a single Mum of a little girl, having lived quite a privileged and sheltered life AND being a blonde, that any of these factors would have a serious impact on my dream.
I had a passion, an idealistic idea to give something back, to make a difference.
My chosen career was to take me on a long journey of self-discovery. There were times of tears and heartbreak, fear and trepidation, anger and frustration but above all, there was always laughter. I had the honour and privilege throughout those years of working with and being the proud work-mate of so many courageous, brave and dedicated colleagues.
Upon my retirement after having sadly said goodbye to what had been a huge part of my life, I suddenly had another wonderful epiphany. This time it was to put pen to paper (or fingers to iPad) to write a book.
I needed an alter-ego for my adventures and lying in bed one night staring at the ceiling and contemplating life as I knew it, MAVIS UPTON was born.
MAVIS is a delightful, crisp loving (any flavour), big knicker hating, thirty something blonde with a huge heart, who one day whilst kicking leaves and pushing a tricycle had a wonderful epiphany to join the Police.
Does this sound a little bit familiar?
For Mavis (and me), it was not always plain sailing.
HANDCUFFS, TRUNCHEON & A POLYESTER THONG is a humorous and sometimes poignant look at the life, loves and career of an every day girl who followed a dream and began a search for the missing piece of her childhood.
* * * * * * * *
Handcuffs, Truncheon & A Polyester Thong is published by URBANE PUBLICATIONS. Available for pre-order on Amazon, Watestones and Foyles. Publication date 18/5/2017 –
Join Mavis (& Gina of course) at the launch on Thursday 18th May at WATERSTONES Liverpool One. A night that promises to be full of fun, cupcakes, Prosecco and a free pair of Primark Thongs with every book purchased – what more could anyone want! Special guest appearances by Luca Veste (Murphy & Rossi series) and the fabulous Lynne Fitzgerald reading as ‘Mavis’……
http://www.urbanepublications.com (Matthew Smith) & Twitter: @urbanepub
Current work in progress, Handcuffs, Truncheon & A Polyester Thong II (The Next Decade)
GINA KIRKHAM © 2017